5 Things I Learned from Conflict

I am 30 years old. I have spent every one of those years in church. I have seen my fair share of legitimate and illegitimate conflicts. I have even been a part of my fair share of conflicts that fall somewhere on the legitimate-illegitimate spectrum. I have spent the past few years taking a hard look at all of the conflicts I have witnessed and been apart of, and I have learned some things from having the unfortunate privilege of witnessing these things unfold.

The first thing I have noticed through witnessing these arguments is that everyone feels like their complaints are legitimate. Whether it is you shouldn’t be associating with someone or what version of the Bible should be used, everyone feels like the position they are taking is a serious one that they have thought out. When we dismiss someone as being jealous, legalistic, or covetous, we need to slow accusations down and remind ourselves that, regardless of the legitimacy of the complaint, it is real to that person. While occasionally there is the one unhinged person just wanting to slander someone, a majority of people have been sitting on complaints for a while and have finally felt like they have had enough and need to say something.

The second thing I have noticed is that when an accusation is made, anyone on the side of the person being accused automatically defends them and in turn do all the things they are claiming the accuser is doing. They become the ones who jump quickly to judgements, begin slandering, and making this person out to be a worker of the devil wanting to divide the church and distract from the gospel. You become the uncharitable things you were defending the other person against. The irony in this kills me a little bit. When acting out in your emotions, you leave the Word behind and try to justify your bursts of anger and don’t even see you are becoming the thing you are arguing against.

The third thing is sometimes the things being said weren’t meant as accusations at all, but were questions or concerns that could have been easily and kindly addressed and the conflict could have been avoided altogether had we had the self control to listen to our brother or sister in Christ and calming explained any miscommunications or misunderstandings.

The fourth thing I have learned is that there are times that people who are accusing someone are absolutely in the wrong. They have a wonky belief or they take a personal conviction and try to put it on everyone and they are now calling someone out and are genuinely wrong. What do we do then? Well if we try to use the Word to reason with them, and they hear us, we have won a brother. If we use the Word to reason with them, and they refuse to hear (when we are indeed in the biblical right) then eventually we won’t even have to defend ourselves because they will continue to do this to enough people that no one will believe them. That’s  just the honest truth. 

The fifth and final thing I have learned is that a majority of the time, we as people, are unable to hear any form of critique. We don’t want to hear that something we are doing is possibly wrong or that someone else we trust is possibly wrong. It comes right down to pride. We don’t want to be fools in trusting the wrong person, therefore we lash out. We don’t want to be called wrong and have to repent openly or change our ways, so we lash out. At the bottom of all of this is pride. We are prideful people and would rather fight when someone brings our failing to our attention than sit back and reflect on what is being said. We would rather attack their tone, their motives, or throw out strawman arguments instead of having to reflect on our own state. Could we have sinned? Could this person we love have sinned? Could I be wrong? Could this person calling me out be correct? Most people aren’t going to call others out from a malicious place. Sometimes this is the case, but most of the time they are wanting the best for us, our church, and Christianity as a whole.

Why did I share all of this? Because I think a lot of these “conflicts” could be solved by simply sitting back and listening to one another. Believing the best of one another. By examining our hearts before opening our prideful mouths (or typing with our prideful fingers). We could solve a lot by following the biblical mode of handling conflict instead of the cultural route (I.e. twitter and facebook wars).

Remember to examine ourselves first. When we do this, we will be able to go forward and handle future conflicts with more grace.

”Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people. But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.“

‭‭Titus‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬-‭11‬ 

”“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”“

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18‬:‭15‬-‭20‬ 

”But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.“

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5‬:‭16‬-‭26‬